Sounds like you want to take a “harder” style approach to breaking free, and the idea of loving yourself as a path to get there doesn’t resonate yet, I get it. So here’s a suggestion you probably weren’t considering: GLM.
Set your boundaries. Feel the inner power and confidence to do anything. Destroy any negative traumas preventing you from expressing yourself and doing exactly what you want.
It’s powerful. And it’s not over-the-top aggressive.
You’ll become more grounded in yourself and not as emotionally reactive.
Something else to consider: this will most likely be an ongoing cycle of deprogramming and reprogramming that you’ll continue to dive deeper and deeper into as you walk your path. Because if you’re still alive, then you still have more to learn and experience, imo.
Here’s the good news: the subs you’re using NOW brought you to this new level of awareness.
If all you did was stick with them, continue to observe, take new actions, and ride out this wave of uncomfortable realization you’re experiencing, then I think you’ll find yourself breaking free much faster than you think. Much faster than if you dove head first into deep healing while you’re still in the middle of this experience, especially being entrenched in that environment.