The Swordfish Journal - Chosen from Within

Journals - Major Programs
#21

It’s late and I need to get to bed so I’ll try to make this quick. Starting at 2:23 AM, am hoping I can be done in 5-10 mins.

I’m back to doing Marketing Reports, for the month of Feb this time. I’m almost done with v1.1 so that’s good. Not as good is that there’s multiple steps to go. And in this case I’ve only been looking at 20 tabs, but there’s actually 200 tabs that need to be looked at for one of the steps. That’ll be quite unpleasant. I suppose I should write down how many cost centers and how many rollup tabs exist. And perhaps how many of those rollups have a BOTW rollup. (BOTW is the bank we just acquired at work).

In other news I met an old friend today, Alfonso. The topic of owning a coffee shop came up and from there on the topic of entrepreneurship he brought up FX and how he works in that. We discussed it for a while. At first it sounded too good to be true, then came a lot of warnings about how it’s a dark place etc. When I asked if this would make more than $50-$60 an hour and he said no, and I feel like there’s a miscommunication somewhere b/c I can’t imagine him suggesting this pays less than a decent day job. Anyway so it sounds like something to explore. I do wonder if the reason he suggested to meet up was this all along or whether this was incidental. But I dont see anything he gets out of this.

Then went to a book store on my way home. I found a few Enid Blyton books for only $2.50 each so great deal. Enid Blyton is a children’s author and I grew up reading her (maybe I can even say I learned English well from her). So it’s always nice to find one of her old books. I dont know if I’ll ever end up reading them though. I did read a number of pages at the store and that was good fun. This was a book I’d read before. I was able to remember a number of details of the stories that one might not expect. For example I remembered the Inspector is going to tell a boy named Larry to call an officer. And that when the cop showed up he had traces of his dinner on his shirt. And that during an introduction he used the words “he plagues the local police…”. So that was kinda cool. I read this book about 30 years ago. I guess I must’ve re-read it or leafed through it multiple times. But I lost my childhood books 25 years ago so I can’t imagine where I might’ve read this more recently. That’s kinda cool to realize. I do know that I have a pretty uniquely good long-term memory. I wonder how good. This example is an interesting one.

I’m also glad I cooked today. Dont want to eat it now, looking forward to trying it tomorrow. From a meal prep delivery kit.

Oh and I had 2 edibles a couple hours ago. With the purpose of helping me sleep. I dont feel at all high so I guess that’s not the purpose. I do feel quite sleepy but at 2:40 am that’s not necessarily unexpected.

It’s 2:40 am, I guess I wrote for 17 mins.

#22

Fri 3/01

Friday’s are always nice.

I restarted some of my daily habits today. Didn’t do some of them in a while. It helped that I went to the gym before the work day was over. That was a big big help. I didn’t get to complete some of them but that’s OK.

Had part 2 of my psycho-educational assessment testing done today. She told me I did really well (or maybe she said really really well) in last week’s testing, so that’s nice.

A small but note-worthy development in my life. I noticed some time ago that I argue a lot in my mind. I’m constantly either replaying or re-constructing fights I had with others. And knew I should stop this. I tried in the past but didn’t really do so. I made one slight change. Now when I realize I’m ruminating, if I stop, I also give myself recognition. That seems to be changing things a bit.

It just occurred to me that if I don’t get to go skiing outside of the city again, I should still check out the local hill. It’s not great but it’s something. And half the cost if done for 2 hours.

Also kinda cool. I was speaking on Reddit with someone about skiing and he asked if I’m into sailing. Came out of nowhere. I’ve been wanting to learn for 5 years so let’s hope this goes somewhere! That could be exciting.

Met this cute girl at Salsa today. Alex, is a psychotherapist. I told her I have a complicated relationship with that b/c I’ve seen a number of them and often find them no good, maybe she can help me figure out how to figure out who to see. She was open to that. We didn’t exchange contacts or anything though. Really wish I could figure out how to do the next step.

1 Like
#23

I last listened to the subs on Wed 2/28. I thought I needed 7 days off, it’s actually 5, so am listening while I’m writing this. Which means 6 days off.

Racism!
So today’s post will be an interesting one because I’m dealing with a topic I haven’t dealt with before - racism. As a background, I’m not someone who takes racism or sexism too seriously. I don’t know much about other countries but here in Canada (or at least Toronto) I find everyone’s really well-behaved when it comes to this kinda stuff, it’s never really been an issue. I suppose I don’t have a way of knowing first-hand about sexism but I do about racism, as a minority myself (Pakistani), and I’ve almost never noticed any.

So I was at a social event 10ish days ago. There’s this Filipino girl named Jana who I’ve been getting to know. I thought she was sweet. When we were all heading home I realized one of my acquaintances who’s driving home is going in the same direction as her so I asked him to give her a lift. She declined. Later when I asked why she said because he’s Indian and she doesn’t like them (what?!). At the time I didn’t take it too seriously b/c it just strikes me as bizarre more than anything. She didn’t seem to have this issue with Pakistans, which is confusing. Or maybe because I’m more fair-skinned, I don’t know.

A few days later I was walking from another salsa class to the subway with some folks from class. Her, an Indian dude, a Trinidadian girl. At first everything was fine. She was even walking arm in arm with me. By the time we got to the subway 10 mins later she was mad at me. I didn’t know why so I assumed it was because I was giving more attention to the other girl. But a day or two later when I asked her she said it’s b/c I made her hang out with indian folks. And then went on a pretty disgusting rant.

I gotta say, it’s really gross. Who knew someone could have such strong disgusting views.

But for the purposes of this journal I should mention, I felt attacked personally as well. She didn’t say anything about me or Pakistanis in general. But Indians are Pakistani-adjacent so it could be the same disgust she has with us. And also, why did she feel comfortable speaking like this with me? I think that’s the thing that’s bothering me the most. I mean if other Indians were to hear she’s like this I assume they wouldn’t be as bothered, b/c they’re not interacting with her. I often find myself behaving with me in ways that I suspect others don’t act with each other and I’m left constantly wondering - why do they take these liberties with me? It’s kinda fucked up. So yesterday I was feeling pretty uncomfortable with this. Then I saw her in class and it was kinda awkward. Esp b/c in class it’s up to men to lead the dance and so there’s more pressure on us, since we’re learning what’s being taught and it’s frequently hard to follow, at least for me. She made some comments about that.

This morning I was over it. Couldn’t really find those negative feelings within myself. Then she sent another text. And I went back to feeling super uncomfortable. This time I just asked why do you keep messaging me, and she’s gone quiet thankfully. But I’ve been feeling uncomfortable since then. It’s also weird how delusional her message is - among other things she says she’s “georgeous [sic] hot” which she most definitely is not. So yeah it’s weird.

Dancing
In other news I had a one on one lesson with an instructor at my studio yesterday. Was just 30 mins. She seems to think in general I’m decent, better than I personally thought I was. Shortly after a friend at the studio said smth positive about my dancing. And a few days before someone said I’ve gotten much better. I’m mentioning this because a few mins after this coaching session I was dancing with this other girl who I find kinda difficult/annoying (idk her name but she looks like my therapist) and she said I have no sense of leading. If I hadn’t just had 3 positive experiences I would’ve probably gotten into my head about that and been really bothered. In this case it was still annoying but whatevs. I kinda turned it back on her. A minute or two later she was shaking her head, which I thought was at me, like indirectly saying this guy sucks. I called her out on it and she said she was shaking her head at herself. Good to know.

Tiffany
Met this cute girl in class, Tiffany. Last week she was slightly handsy with me. Yesterday she asked for my insta. I said let’s talk after class. But unfortunately we didn’t get a chance to talk after class. Hope I see her again before I stop classes in a week or so.

Mariya
Oh funny story. So 1.5 years ago I matched with a girl named Mariya on one of the dating apps and exchanged numbers. The conversation fizzled out, she must’ve met someone. In Nov 2022 she messaged me wanting to reconnect. I messaged her back saying I’m very high right now. I think I’ve registered your message but possibly not. We must’ve talked a bit since then but didn’t go anywhere, didn’t meet her. 2-3 days ago I was high again, was experimenting with if it helps me sleep (btw in Nov '22 when I had weed it was for the same purpose, so I wonder how long I’ve been having trouble. Hopefully it got better since then). Anyway while high I was reminded of this conversation so looked it up. This would be Sun or Mon. And then Tues I see her in class! What a hilarious coincidence. So when our turn to dance came I asked her are you Mariya, she was surprised, yes how did you know. I just had fun with that hahaha.

I have an assessment shortly to see if I can get into more advanced classes, let’s see how I do.

3 Likes
#24

I thought you’re white. I didn’t know you’re Pakistani. Wouldn’t have given you some tips then.

Jokes aside.

Being white in a white country, I rarely experience racism. And then mostly from self hating, woke white people.

I’ve seen some incidents of racism between immigrants here as well. Especially from people that suffered from the turks/ ottomans in the past. A friends GF ended the relationship after she discovered that his oldest friend is turkish. She was Armenian and her family was almost annihilated by the turks.
A Croatian friend of mine hates them as well because his people suffered for centuries under them.

I don’t know anything about philipinian Indian history, but perhaps there’s the reason.

#25

Ouch. Been a long time since I wrote. Let’s see what I can report.

Ramadan
Firstly, it’s Ramadan these days, which means a month of fasting for us Muslims. Started on Mon 3/11 so it’s been more than half a month. In this time I’ve stopped going to dance classes. But I now go to the mosque every evening. And during this month there’s a great community feel, so I’ve substituted one community for the other during this time. I will say there’s a lot of new faces but as a result I’m not finding the connection I’m feeling to be quite as good as it was last year. But it’s still nice. I think I might’ve lost some weight as well but haven’t weighed myself yet. I was 177.4 on the night of 3/10. The first 2 days I had a headache, presumably from the lack of caffeine. I dont think it was the lack of food or water that was the problem. I’ve said almost every prayer so far (just missed one, which is pretty good, but also I hate that I missed that one!). And the first one is at dawn so that’s quite the commitment. Also haven’t jerked off in 2 weeks, though that’s not required, just a distraction. There were a couple days I was super horny but these days I don’t feel it much.

Insight 1
An interesting insight I had a couple weeks back. My mind often wanders, thinking of completely random things from my past, a conversation I would’ve had with someone that has no connection to the current moment. So anyway this one time when I was having this thought (wish I remembered what it was) I thought to try to remember what the previous thought was. And I found one. And from there I found a previous thought. And it made me wonder when I have these random thoughts are they actually random or are they being triggered from something below my awareness. At the time I was reading a book and I was wondering if I could somehow trace the daydreaming to the book I was reading. But couldn’t do so.

Let me make up an example just so I’m making sense. So let’s say I remembered a conversation I had with someone about fishing a decade ago. And from there I remembered this guy was looking really good in that polo shirt. And that reminds me of my brother’s polo shirt. Which reminds me that he likes shopping for yoga pants at lululemon. Which reminds me of this yoga class I took. Etc etc. This is a completely made up example but you get the gist. So I had wondered if when I’m having what I consider random thoughts are they actually random or are they being triggered somehow. Sam Harris talks about this, that you can prime others. Was an interesting observation.

Insight 2
Another interesting insight was a few weeks ago when I was getting up at dawn for prayers. I had some resistance in me at the time because getting up out of bed is unpleasant, and also it cuts into your sleep. So when I was about to say my prayers and I noticed that resistance I realized that in this moment I’m not actually feeling that uncomfortable. It’s not like I’m super sleepy and desperately wanting to goto bed. I’m just suffering b/c I’m concerned about the future, things like will I be sleepy / will I get enough sleep etc, but in this moment I’m actually fine. So I could just choose to let go of these thoughts that are causing discomfort. Was kinda cool. I don’t know how to action this insight but it’s something to keep in mind.

I feel like there was a third minor insight somewhere but I don’t recall that.

Other
Had a boys night tonight after a while. This is mainly my university friends, and one other person who’s joined the gang in the last couple years. One of them is a guy I haven’t met since last April, on purpose. I’ve had some hard feelings with him but haven’t bothered speaking to him about it. Reason being I don’t see it being particularly productive, he’s probably not going to take proper responsibility for his behaviour, downplay it etc. But I also know if I was to mention to someone that I haven’t spoken to a close friend in 11 months and haven’t bothered telling him I’m upset with him that others are going to think that’s weird of me. But then a small incident happened today which was a good reminder of all these little ‘negs’ he keeps throwing my way. Which is that this guy Najib used to get pretty defensive when I said another friend of mine, Alex, is the smartest guy I know. I suppose he considers himself to be the smartest? I dont know why. Anyway so today it came up how Najib used to get irritated over that. And then Najib says to me it doesn’t matter if think so, it would only matter if (this other guy) thought so (translation: your opinion doesnt matter). Sounds like a small thing and just guys teasing each other but after 11 months of us not meeting it was a great reminder of why I distanced myself from him. So that’s a good thing I suppose.

Btw I got a Muse headset. Anyone have any experience with that?

#26

This is propaganda of West. Armenian gangs started all of the things, they don’t talk about what Armenian gangs did to the people lives there it was not annihilation like hitler did, it was mass migration.

And what did this girl do is stupid, blaming a person just because he/she is Turkish, and because of this hatred towards Turkish people lots of innocent people killed by armenians in 1970s,80s, 31 diplomats and their relatives.