Thanks for your advice @anon52452268 and @RVconsultant, I found both your guys points really helpful.
It’s been a continuous head fuck, stuck in a mental loop of trying to figure out her behavior and what I did wrong and where I should have seen things coming. There’s a continual battle between the alpha in me, who says fuck her, she wasn’t who you thought she was and you deserve better, and the beta in me, who misses her deeply, feels helpless at the idea of never seeing her again and is worried for her and her future happiness.
I re-read The Rational Male last night and made notes, it helped to illuminate some things. I had all this knowledge before the relationship but then over the course of 3 years I let things slip and got too comfortable. I forgot that just because you feel unconditional love for somebody, it doesn’t mean they will do the same in return, even if they insist they do too. It wasn’t pleasant reading, but I needed it, and although the pill is indeed bitter, it has helped to make a little more sense of things.
The pain is still very much there, but I don’t want to go down the healing route, as I’ve been there before and in life there is always something to heal. I would rather try to take action through the pain and get rid of it that way.
New sub finally arrived (ManSocial) and I’m running 4 loops today. As I can’t socialize much right now with lock down, I’ll just be testing how I feel internally and how tired it makes me over the next 5 days. ManSlut got me feeling really run down after about 3 days of running it. I think it might have been the combo of my lethargy due to unhappiness and the high energy requirements with the auras.
My initial feeling is that it’s making me want to read/research seduction, instead of focusing on this qualification.