The recon I would get:
The recon I’d get was both insidious and tumultuous—like being caught under machine-gun fire (pic 1). A storm of chaotic thoughts and emotions would hit all at once. It wasn’t easy to pinpoint the root of it, let alone deal with it—even when I knew what it was—because the emotional upheaval would weaken my reasoning and pull me into its current. It felt like being fully aware you’re angry or sad but still choosing to ride the wave because, in that moment, you need the release. The whole thing would feel and look like a regression into old thinking or behavioral patterns—but amplified, as if the turmoil had hijacked my clarity just enough to blur the lines and let it slip through.
The recon I got today:
I felt a disruption on a really deep level, and when I turned my attention to it, it started surfacing. I realized it was connected to that interaction with the recruiter, and then the whole process I described above unfolded. It all began with a wave of sadness that seemed to come out of nowhere, prompting me to cast my gaze inward. When I saw the root of that sadness, other emotions were triggered—but they felt more like the bullets in picture 2: visible, identifiable, and manageable. I could clearly see them, recognize where they were coming from, and reflect on them in peace.
Frustration surfaced in the form of the thought, “How can people be so dumb?” A sense of helplessness came with the thought, “Am I really incapable of being beyond this and just work for myself, away from this kind of crap?” That’s when the culmination point hit—deeply—because it touched my self-image.
It only took a few seconds to examine what was happening there. It felt like other facets of my self-image came to my aid. They challenged the one that got hit by the recon, proved it wrong, and let me see the truth through their lenses. That helped the “wounded” facet reconcile with the other facets by taking on a new form.
That old facet of my self-image that got reconciled was: “I struggle to deal with people’s negativity.” It was replaced by a new thought: "Not only can I endure people’s negativity, but I’m capable of transforming it into positive thoughts and a compassionate attitude toward them. That was a deeply rooted belief of mine that resurfaced, even though I had made significant progress in overcoming it by strengthening the very facets of my self-image that came to my aid today.
That sudden sadness, seemingly without reason, made me reflect—and it was surprisingly easy to get to the root of it. Dealing with it happened almost effortlessly, as those other facets of my self-image came to my aid immediately.
