Healing and getting ready for success

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Damn I’ve been in this community for over 2 years now from 2020 been regularly in the forum. It’s time to start my own journal

The goal is to heal and take massive steps towards financial success, grow up and becoming more successful in my dating life. And last but not least start training again and get back to the body composition I had before my injury and also heal my injury.

I’ve been on Dr st1 and emperor black for about 1 and a half months. And omg Dr is hitting me hard. In the beginning it was more smooth but now it’s going deep and it’s getting harder to keep going but the only way out is through the trauma if you want to have a successful and fullfiling life. I’m grateful for having the courage to face my trauma and heal and for this amazing tool that is so fast at breaking everything down at holding me back. I think I need to start a gratitude journal to help me when I get into victim mode and I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Just to help me see the sun behind the clouds. The clouds are only temporary. This too shall pass. I think it’s time I start a journal here on the forum to keep myself accountable and get more input and feedback and of course provide some value for the other members with my journey. But yeah dr is hitting really hard, last 2 days I’ve been ignored blatantly by people it’s showing me my childhood wound, my parents where never there. My father was never home and my mother would leave me alone all the time and just check in in me every few hours to see if I’m alive lol. I actually feel sorry for them because I understand they had been through worse to behave in that way but especially when you have a family you gotta be the good example for them and actually do something to change your circumstances. That’s the worst thing I hate about my family. I always remember things were always going wrong one way or the other. So much negativity and they would just ignore problems that were so easy to fix if you actually wanted to. I guess they were just addicted the cortisol you produce when you’re negative but whatever. I actually want to see them happy and fullfiled once in their lives but it’s not my job to fix them. Enough about them. It’s time to think about me. So yeah being ignored really makes me feel hopeless. I think the best is to just start crying and releasing the negative energy faster so I can move on. I’m pretty sure I’m trying to be in control all the time and that’s what fucks me up. I got to embrace the chaos of life and learn how to apply order in my life and my emotions. It’s terrifying that in st2 I have to confront my feelings, I will have insane recon lol but at least I will feel really happy when I release my trauma and get in touch with my emotions. St1 is more like stable emotionally and analysing myself in a logical way which is very much my style, I’m used to that but it can be a bit depressing and boring. See? Those are some good frames to remember for st2 version. There’s always something positive even in the worst storm. And last thing, I see that I want to talk to people and tell them my pain just a bit when I’m getting hit hard by st1 but I see that many times people are just not available and not capable of listening too much. I think I got to just learn to open up to myself. No one will ever understand me, they’re busy trying to understand themselves and fix their lives. Instead of asking for validation from them I should ask it from myself and just write my thoughts and feelings down and feel them also do some exploring through Ayahuasca. I should also probably find a psychologist to talk once a week or something like that. I think if I take my life more in the hands of experts I will progress really fast and I will become successful way faster. But for some reason I’m blocking myself from success it’s like I feel I deserve to live an average life, I guess so many years of seen my parents struggling made me think that this is normal. Well it’s not. I’m writing this to hold myself accountable and do what I wrote to change my life. That’s the problem. I know what to do. But I’m not doing it enough. I’m not playing to win, I’m just playing to survive. Damn Eureka moment right here. That’s why I self sabotage. I’m just trying to survive, I don’t believe that thriving is possible inside of me. I guess I got to take baby steps in that direction to start to feel the feelings first and slowly changing and pointing my compass to a successful life. Ok I’m going to start my journal now.

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#2

Any ideas on how to keep yourself accountable to journal daily?

#3

What helps me is to think that I need to see myself change to become successful and that’s my ultimate motivation to do that. Take control of my life and reading my journal and feeling gratitude for how far I’ve come when the reckon is hitting hard. Also it’s the inner peace feeling I feel when I’m doing that. It’s equivalent to talking to a friend I think but with the added benefit that I can give myself advice that is spot on for me because I’m the only person that really knows me 100%

#4

Yep. Sign in each evening and just talk about your day.

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#5

These past two days Dr st1 is going really deep. I’ve been consistently ignored by people to trigger my childhood trauma. And I see that I’m very traumatised and I got to do a lot of work, it’s a bit disheartening but I got to take it step by step. Got to look the big picture

Yesterday I realized I’m seeking validation a lot throughout the day because I never got it as a kid. And fuck it’s tough to stop it, what helps is when I write it and I become aware of it it’s like I’m getting that validation from myself and I feel more fullfiled.

Our trauma literally is haunting us and controlling us every single day, it’s insane. You think you got free will but you don’t. That’s why I was feeling consistently alone throughout my life. It’s the worst feeling for me, my kryptonite. I’m glad and grateful it’s going away now.

Emperor black helps with going through the trauma, I feel like I’m some kind of spiritual royalty kind of person. Dr st1 is like “can’t hurt me” like the book by David goggins. It brings in the trauma and I feel like “come on, is that all you got” kind of energy. It’s like I start to like the hardship of trauma release.

And yesterday I realised that I’m self sabotaging and not working as much as I want because I’m punishing myself. I thought maybe I can tell myself that I will punish me by going to work more.

And I got a manifestation today through a friend that basically told me that I have to dive into my dark side. Felt like the universe is knocking on my door, like I chose emperor black but I want to take parts of it or any sub. I want to take what is convenient for me, but that’s not how you grow. And that’s why I’ve been avoiding to do Ayahuasca lately because I’m afraid of my dark side. I’m afraid that i am like my father in a way and I don’t want to face that reality.

The best thing about Dr st1 is that I feel like I’m becoming my own parent and I’m parenting my inner child in a loving and encouraging way. That’s a feeling I really miss of being cared for and protected in a way but by myself. I never felt like that as a child, at least the majority of the time. And journaling omg, it’s a powerful tool I feel so grateful for it

#6

Oh and a big one, yesterday I realised my inner critic was created by my father and mother. I carry a part of them in my brain, always doubting me and telling me I will not succeed or that I’m a piece of crap. It’s fucking scary how much you can influence your kids and totally destroy their life by not even been there physically. It’s like a spell, perpetual abuse without doing it themselves. I do it to myself. Fucked up shit but that’s the reality of trauma

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#7

I was thinking yesterday that I never stood up for myself. I didn’t learn how to create and maintain boundaries and have a lot of self hate for letting other people violate my boundaries over and over in the past.

I remember specifically at a job I was working at a time when I first moved to the country I live. I had the most sales there, I knew how to talk with people and bring some good and fun vibes. Everyone was jealous at me there. At some point I started focusing more on girls and being very successful at which point everyone started hating me and finally they had their excuse to throw me out of the restaurant.

I remember they would create arguments over nothing and would just blame me, I didn’t stand up for myself because they were at s higher position and I deeply regret that. Some times I did stand up by they would become very aggressive and controlling. I remember especially one girl. She was throwing her trauma at me. That’s the worst thing i hate in this world. People that are above the ladder from you can treat you like shit and throw their trauma and insecurities at you and nobody gives a fuck.

But I could just leave and not accept the abuse. But I didn’t. It was like I was back at my home a again getting mentally abused by my father. A familiar pattern. Felt like home, even though consciously I didn’t know back then. I remember I had this mentally that I can’t find another job because I don’t speak the language, which guess what I was told from people in this job. How convenient. I remember my father used to use this controlling strategy. It’s crazy how sick and twisted some people can be. Wolves in sheep clothing.

And my supervisor loved me because I had the most sales but I had bad press. And funny thing is that he would also talk to girls but he was more careful. Once I remember he had s** in the toilet with a girl and of course he wasn’t fired. That’s when I realized it wasn’t about me, it was about them trying to maintain their power.

This mental abuse at this job really fucked me up and sent me in a deep depression for 2 years. For the first time in my life I was feeling mentally unstable. Right around the time that I manifested the subs and my life started going up after those 2 years. I remember in the beginning of those 2 years I was always alone, just going through life like a leaf in the wind. Had no purpose. I would go to the gym every night to cope with depression and loneliness. It was a really tough time. Fortunately I kept going

#8

The deeper i dig with Dr st1 the more recon I get. Yesterday I had some moments of headache. Usually what I do is listen to 2 subs in the beginning of the week and after 4-5 days when I get hit with hard recon I listen again to straighten my mind. Especially emperor black really helps to give me energy and a lot of dopamine to keep going

#9

But Dr st1 is getting rather uncomfortable when I listen twice a week. I think I will do empblack twice a week and drst1 once a week or 2 weeks at least until the end of them month because Dr is distracting me a lot from my current goals

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#10

Damn I got so many things to write that happened these days. So many manifestations, insane!

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#11

I’m addicted to neediness because I will self sabotage and I will keep needing that thing.
Whether that is a girl or my goals or something I said I will do. I’m addicted to feeling not good enough and that’s why I self sabotage with girls and my goals to keep needing that thing to complete me. It’s an endless cycle.

It goes like this, I say I will do something, then I don’t do it then I feel not good enough and I keep procrastinating and feeling even more not good enough and ashamed of myself. Also makes me loose respect and trust for myself and destroys my self esteem. The solution is to realise that I’m good enough and perfect as I am even if I do something wrong. Just keep improving bit by bit and not give up is way better than having periods of accomplishing goals and periods of procrastination. At least when I’m accomplishing goals, self sabotaging a bit then keep goiny trajectory will be going up. And f.e. if you see a diagram of bitcoin it doesn’t go up endlessly. It goes up then go down a bit then goes up then goes down a bit. That’s normal, especially when you have a lot of trauma. But it’s still hard to accept myself as I am with all the trauma and the limiting beliefs. I feel like there’s something wrong with me.

That’s another thing that is deep rooted in me. In my home country if you go to a psychologist people would say you are a crazy person or there’s something wrong with you. So people have this mentality of suffering in silence and drown their pain in alcohol or some socially acceptable coping mechanism and think that is normal and confronting your trauma is not. I get mad at myself for believing and accepting this low value thinking as normal. These people that think like that never do anything in their lives. They hate their lives and are just waiting to die.

I don’t want to be like that. I want to be successful, I want to build a legacy, I want to bring light in this world and I want to raise the vibration of this planet and be a force of good.

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Main Disc. Thread - Dragon Reborn ZP v2
#12

This explains a lot…if you’re ready