Bujin's Khan Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#21

Day 5 (ST2): Continuing on from the weekend, today I felt good and strong and powerful.

Most of the morning I felt this radiating energy in my belly. On impulse I googled “navel chakra” and the first link I clicked on stated the following:

“When the navel chakra is in healthy alignment, you will be comfortable with your own inherent power and become empowered.”

and

“This energy center is associated with your self-esteem, sense of purpose, personal identity, individual will, digestion, and metabolism.”

Seems to fit with my current state.

It also feels like I’m losing or weakening the filter on my emotions. Last night I listened to a song and tears came to my eyes. I read an article on a news site and I felt rage. I thought about my mother, who is going through chemotherapy, and I felt the raw anguish as though I’d just been told about her illness. This experience is strange to me, this emotional sensitivity. I need to be a bit careful, emotions like that coming out unfiltered are just not appropriate at work, but I refuse to repress them. So what can I do? Best thing I can think of is to let go of any resistance and just let the emotion flow through. It’s transient, it passes quickly.

It’s funny because I was expecting something like this with ST1, but it never happened. ST2 is definitely taking me in an unexpected direction.

7 Likes
#22

Day 7 (ST2): Had a rough couple of days. I have this long-standing issue that rears its head periodically. Yesterday afternoon I started thinking about it and it hit me hard, I fell into a depressed state the rest of the evening. This morning I woke up feeling angry, then later depressed again, and finally early this evening I started feeling more positive and hopeful again, and if something had resolved itself inside my head.

I don’t know for sure if Khan had anything to do with it, but the whole thing was a bit unusual.

3 Likes
#23

Day 8 (ST2): Emotions back to normal again today. Still feeling anti-social though, or rather just not interested in socializing with most people or with groups. Still socializing with people I know and value, but mostly just feel like keeping to myself.

I remembered a fragment of a dream I had last night. I was driving along a highway, and I was driving past police cars so I was trying to stay under the speed limit, but my eyes were watering so badly I could barely see, so I was struggling to keep control of the car and stay on the road. I figure this relates to the direction my life is taking.

The biggest issue for me on ST2 is that I’m always tired. I normally get 7.5 hours of sleep each night but it’s not enough right now, I feel like I could use an extra couple of hours. It’s been like that from the start with ST2. ST1 did it a little bit, but nothing like ST2.

But it’s almost the weekend so I’ll be able to sleep in then. I’ve also got a ton of things I’d like to get done this weekend and I’m feeling super motivated to get started.

I’m excited about Alchemist, I’d love to start that when it comes out, but feel I should finish Khan first. I’ve been considering skipping ST3 and going straight to ST4 after I’ve finished ST2. Dunno, probably a bad idea. Will see what people’s experiences are like with ST3 before I decide. Alchemist will still be there when I’m ready to move on.

2 Likes
#24

I’m starting ST3 tonight, so do follow my journal there.

Well, if I keep writing it daily. ST2 made me be online less. ST3 might push that further.

2 Likes
#25

I’ve been following your journal since the beginning, it’s one of the main reasons I decided to try Khan. :slight_smile:

The thing is, for me the whole sexual and social dominance thing was never one of my goals. But I was impressed by the emotional effects ST1 had on you and others, and that made it worth trying. Given that, ST3 seems the least useful of the stages for me, but so far ST2 has surprised me so I’m open to giving ST3 a shot.

Given you take plenty of action anyway, I can’t wait to see what effect ST3 has on you.

2 Likes
#26

So, I was thinking about the dream fragment the other night. My interpretation is this:

The highway represents the direction my life is taking. The police represent the daily reality of obstacles to negotiate, influences to manage and responsibilities to take care of. The watery eyes obscuring everything represent the fact that my path is not clear, that I can only see a short distance ahead (I won’t elaborate on this, but it’s very true right now) and that I’m trying to negotiate these obstacles (the police, and the path itself) as best I can while trying to achieve my goals (the destination), despite the uncertainty (the watery eyes). This very much describes my life right now, and also relates to the emotional issue I had the last couple of days.

2 Likes
#27

Day 9 (ST2): At around 125+ hours now. Still bloody tired. Sleeping in tomorrow.

I refused two separate invitations for Friday drinks with different groups, I just can’t stomach being with groups of people right now. Wanted nothing more than to get home tonight and start on the tasks I set myself this weekend. I’m a bit surprised at how anti-social I feel, given Khan’s purpose. Maybe it’s just in the process of rebuilding some beliefs. Or maybe the whole self-direction thing in the subs that Saint has been talking about is in effect, given the social aspect wasn’t really one of my goals.

My libido is still cranking away, but while women in general are looking more attractive to me and I’m thinking about sex more often, I also feel a lot pickier. I just don’t want to waste my time with anyone who is not going to help me with where I want my life to go. There’s an odd tension between those two things, but I’m pretty comfortable with it.

Looking forward to sleeping.

5 Likes
#28

Day 10 (ST2): So about an hour after my previous entry I had a burst of energy. Ended up doing stuff until 2:30am, went to bed, then woke up again at 6:30am and couldn’t get back to sleep, I had too much energy. So spent the last 10 hours working outside, digging holes, pulling up rocks, pounding in stakes etc. I’m only mildly tired now, and it’s a normal physical tiredness from doing physical labor. I’ll have a quick dinner now and get some other stuff out of the way as well before bed. I don’t want to overdo it though, so I’ll definitely go to bed earlier tonight.

This increased motivation I’ve had on ST2 is just fantastic, I’m getting so much more done, and it’s so much easier to overcome that initial inertia to start things.

2 Likes
#29

Rough day today. I felt invisible and irrelevant, and like I needed validation from others. It took me back to how I use to be 25 years ago. It took a lot of effort back then to change my life and find my own power and purpose. It disgusted and enraged me to have those old feelings come back. I also kept thinking Khan was a waste of time and won’t change anything and that I should just dump it and move on. I continued listening to it throughout the day though and by evening those feelings started to drain away, although I’m still annoyed and irritable. Guess there’s some serious reconciliation going on.

6 Likes
#30

Those feelings you are invisible are really something strong . I had that in the past people around me just ignored me and they wasn’t able say even Hi, are you alright? I was surprised how easy they avoided simple eye contact, and that could go for days or weeks. I don’t think Khan is one form we turn into. Its more like road we have to take to become best,unique, special. Anger and irritation may be very good engine. Sometimes negative emotions can give more energy DO what you need to do. Use them to deal with annoying stuff. Do not give up on Khan. Keep yor head up and middle finger higher.

6 Likes
#31

Thanks for the support, Dragonborn.

I think these feelings came up because I used to deal with them many years ago, and deep-seated remnants of those beliefs were conflicting with the programming coming from ST2, which is why I felt so angry. But you’re right, those feelings can be very strong and debilitating and make you feel completely alone.

But I’m not giving up on Khan, I know those thoughts were a lie.

4 Likes
#32

Love this, lol

2 Likes
#33

I’m not really feeling this journal at the moment, but thought I’d add this.

I went through more reconciliation today, although over a different issue than yesterday, but the anger was there, and it was very strong. I felt like I wanted to lash out at people, and I felt light headed and could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

But as I was sitting at my desk, realizing I still had to deal with my day to day work, I spontaneously just thought to my subconscious “just deal with it, I have work to do”. Funnily enough after a few minutes the physical effects got much stronger, but the emotional connection mostly faded away and I felt like I was dissociated from it. A bit like when you’re sick but have work to do so just push the symptoms to the back of your mind and get on with it, it’s still there but you’re disconnected in a way and can function. The physical effects continued on and off for a couple of hours, and then out of nowhere I felt these waves of pleasure, almost like a sense of release, coming firstly from my solar plexus area, and then from my navel area. This lasted about 10 minutes then faded away. After a little while I felt better and more stable.

Not entirely sure what to make of it all.

5 Likes
#34

So, I never did come up with hard goals for ST2. And I still don’t have any. Sometimes the journey is the point, not the destination, and it’s interesting just to see where you end up.

I know I’m not using these subs the way they’re recommended. That’s ok, any failure in progress is on me and not the subs. But ST2 is definitely stirring things up and giving me a peek at what’s buried away in my subconscious. For me that’s enough.

4 Likes
#35

I’m currently at over 400 hours with ST2. Actually I’m probably closer to 450 but I stopped paying attention to the hours. Time to change, so I’m moving over to ST4 tonight.

ST2 is still digging things up and I don’t want to lose that completely, but don’t want to stay on ST2 too long, so I think ST4 is the best bet since it contains both ST2 and ST3. I figure I can always go back to ST3 if I feel I need to focus more on taking action.

ST2 was a really interesting experience - I regularly flipped between feeling great as the new programming took effect, and feeling like crap when the old programming rebelled. That showed ST2 was doing something, whereas ST1 was very smooth and comfortable for me so there was always some doubt in my mind about whether it was actually having an effect.

5 Likes
#36

ST4 Day 1: Slept really badly, seemed to be stuck in REM sleep most of the night. But I had an odd and very vivid dream. If I manage to remember a dream it usually means it’s meaningful in some way, and usually has a lot of symbolism, but not this one.

I was floating just above the ground, with a feeling of weightlessness, and there were lots of leaves floating all around me, obscuring everything. After a while a goblin-like creature appeared through the floating leaves and glared at me, then disappeared back through the leaves. Apart from the moment with the goblin, it was a very peaceful and oddly beautiful dream.

Haven’t managed to come up with an interpretation.

2 Likes
#37

Slept well last night but still woke up feeling exhausted. ST2 was the same for the first week or so, only ST4 is worse. I’m guessing this will last a few days as well. Yay.

3 Likes
#38

The last couple of weeks on ST2 were pretty tough, where I was going through a fair bit of reconciliation over some major issues. These last 3 days on ST4 have been noticeably different, there are still a few issues coming up but it’s a lot milder and my mindset is better with less resistance to things that do come up.

Oddly I had a lot of people staring at me today for no apparent reason. And I don’t meant glances, I mean heads suddenly swiveling around to stare at me for several seconds before breaking eye contact and moving on. It happened all day. It was downright weird.

The tiredness seems to be improving faster than expected, I feel better this evening that I did earlier in the day, and definitely better than I did yesterday.

5 Likes
#39

Day 5 on ST4: The deep tiredness is gone, but still feeling lethargic. Part of me keeps thinking I made a mistake and should go back to ST3, but I figure that’s just the usual mind games the subconscious plays when it’s being stubborn about new programming. No doubt it would be easier, but ST3 will still be there if I decide I want a boost in taking action, and I won’t go back just because ST4 is hard right now. And I still have my eye on Alchemist.

I’d love to report more “results”, but right now I’m mostly just focused on getting through my work days until I can get over this tiredness phase.

4 Likes
#40

The lethargy disappeared yesterday and I had a pretty productive day, getting some stuff done that I had been putting off. It was generally a pleasant day.

Today was interesting. During the day there was a period where I was taking it easy, and I started to feel irritable and agitated. I tried to ignore it and I ended up feeling vaguely angry, but at nothing in particular. As soon as I got up and did something it completely disappeared. Guessing this must be the action scripting coming out.

My libido was really good on ST2 but dropped when I started ST4, but today ramped up dramatically during the afternoon. There was also a feeling of energy deep at the base of my belly that would move to my genital area at the slightest sexual thought. For some reason I started focusing my thoughts on the root chakra, and in moments started to feel energy writhing at the base of my spine. Really had to focus on my work to get through the rest of the day.

I’m still evenly splitting my listening time between ultrasonic and masked, and with ST1 and ST2 there was not a lot of difference in feel between them. But with ST4 masked feels oddly heavier than ultrasonic. Not sure why.

Seems Alchemist is close, so I’ll need to decide what I’m going to do once it’s released.

4 Likes