I was during covid alone at home with nearly no contact with people.I try to gather all the people around me but nothing really happened. I made Facebook and whatsapp groups. Inviting everyone every day to come in Nature and make party or walk down a mountain. Only 2 people came to take a walk in 2 years.
Afterwards the situation gets so worse with people that I willingly quarantine myself for a halve year.the amount of shit, coldness, depression, heartless, emotionless states the Swiss people had made me retreat into my home and the woods. I had more joy to collect wood and make a fire than be around people. I started to hate people for the first time in my life.
3 months ago I was going to the Jungle of peru.
The moment I arrived in Lima I had an energetic shock. I felt energy for the first time in 2 years.
Warm energy, alive energy. Then I flew into the Jungle. I slept in the hotel immediately after arriving. After my sleep I shower and in a “good” mood I left the hotel and go eating.
20 meters from the hotel was a good polleria.they serve chicken with rice and fries.
The waitress smiled into my face and was delighted to see me, she immediately grabbed me and start to talk to me and she had such a warm attitude towards me. I ordered quickly and sat down. My whole world was starting to turn gray green like vomit. I realized that I lost the ability to have positive conversations, I could not smile and be myself, I couldn’t interact like them.
I had joy inside somwhere but I couldn’t express it. I felt disabled,blocked, cold, alienated, not alive, worthless, asexual, antisocial.
I eat my pollo and a tornado started to form into myself. I had a full blast Panick attack at the table. I throw the money on the table and left.
Back in the hotel I vomited 5 times into the toilet.
I was unsure if I can handle Social interaction any more , I lost my greatest power, my ability to socialize and be positive with people. I was cold like a stone. I felt like I have nothing to offer or to react.
I was afraid that I can’t handle the situations I am confronted now. So I immediately left the hotel, ordered a mototaxi, drove to the supermarket, buy things I don’t need, like an apple and a water, drove to a restaurant ordered food again, take a walk and buy things for the Jungle.
I needed to prove myself that I am able to do things. I still wasn’t able to socialize but I needed prove that I can handle things.
After 6 weeks into the Jungle I returned to the Jungle city. 30 min before arriving I get another little panic fart. I could swipe it away with a smile.
I knew I am able to handle things.
And I did 