This is going to be my last major journal to document the final part of my journey on this forum.
Five years ago, when my father died, I was a teenager, but already a shadow of a human.
I fell into a very dark abyss I wish upon noone.
My suffering ultimately became so unbearable that I pulled my sword and vowed to find a way out no matter what or who is going to stand in my way.
I owe it to my future self, I said.
And so I started the war of and for my life.
A war that, just like any war, changed my whole being for forever.
It has been about 1 year since I first set foot on this forum.
You already saw so much of my journey. But little compared to all the struggle it took to get to this point.
I will never forget the nights I thought were my last.
I thought I was going insane from almost unbearable suffering.
I shivered in fear.
I screamed in pain.
I cried in despair.
I grew tired of life and the ongoing battles.
When the lockdown began I became conscious of how much I was avoiding this last stand you are going to witness.
I was busy improving my life, earning money and doing all sorts of things pretending to evolve.
But in the end I knew I can’t run away for forever.
The very moment I pulled my sword to face my enemies I did so to finally find love and peace one day.
Yes, my dear friends.
All I ever wanted from life was love.
I never wanted to be the smartest.
I never wanted to be rich.
I never wanted to have power over others.
Deep down, all I wanted is to heal and to meet girls and finally feel accepted and appreciated.
And I knew eventually I’d have to go about this but I always feared this front because it already destroyed my childhood and teenage years once.
With each year passing I became lonelier and lonelier.
Until I didn’t feel it anymore and became numb.
When I did again, Pandora’s box opened and I was overwhelmed by decades of pain and misery.
I didn’t hate just the world, people, my life, my past and myself alone. I hated creation and life itself.
I turned into a heartless, bittered, lonely shell of a man.
My biggest fear is having my heart shot once again.
That’s okay because I learned fear is the shadow of the grand rewards ahead of me.
And I am shaken to the bones.
Maybe you’ll understand what I am talking about, maybe you think I am ridiculous. That’s okay.
But you will understand that I am serious about this. I am facing something that already killed millions of young men of my generation around the globe because they felt inferior and desparate and made millions more suffer indescribable pain.
And now I am ready to fulfill my mission.
My past self suffered so my present and future self could find joy and peace after this last stand.
Let’s finish what he started.
No more excuses.
No more running-away.
Only running forward.
I don’t know who you are but if you ever felt like you were not good enough, this journal is for you.
You will watch me face the hardest challenges of my life.
You will watch me perform tons of miracles because we will need nothing shorter than that.
You will watch a young man leave the last part of his painful past behind him and walk towards the promised future.
This journal is a prayer and a promise for every man with a broken heart.
The end is near.
Welcome to the showdown of my life.